When Mother's Day Hurts

Mother’s Day is a day I dread every year. I consider staying in bed where I don’t have to face the painful reminder that I am not a mother. I know that God plans to use my infertility to bring glory to His name. I know that I’m better able to serve God because I don’t have children. And I praise God for how He has been drawing me closer to Him through this.

But there is something about this day that threatens to undo all the good that He has been working out in me.

On this day, I feel left out.

On this day, I feel lonely.

On this day, more than any other, I have to fight to hold back the tears that want to overtake me.

My intention is not to make women feel bad about celebrating motherhood. Being a mom is a daily sacrifice that takes more work than I can imagine, and it should be celebrated. But please remember that Mother’s Day is not a happy day for everyone, for many different reasons, and take a moment to pray for those who are hurting.

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren - yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you – Amy at www.messymiddle.com   

“Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” – Romans 12:15

Blessed Be Your Name

I love this song that reminds me to praise God in good times and in bad:

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Does God Care About Football?

In talking with my husband this past week about football, he mentioned controversy surrounding players expressing their faith in God. Critics have asked why it is necessary for players to pray and thank God for winning a football game. Does He really care who wins? He has bigger, more important things to deal with.

Yes, football provides us entertainment and it is a game, but let's not forget that the players are also employees. This is the career they have chosen and the work that they do to earn a living. We are called to be employees who are hard working, responsible, punctual, and perform our work to the best of our ability – no matter what type of work we do. This brings honor and glory to God.

Proverbs 25:13, “Trustworthy messengers refresh like snow in summer. They revive the spirit of their employer.”

The question shouldn’t be does God care who wins a football game.

The questions should be: Am I being a blessing to my employer by performing to the best of the ability that God has given me? Am I praying for strength and direction to honor God through my work? Am I thanking Him and giving Him the praise for my accomplishments?

Ephesians 6:7, “Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.”

Obedience

Over the years, I’ve kept a journal of written prayers to God, and thoughts on various Bible verses I read. I’ve never been consistent, but I like to look back at what I’ve written and remember what I was going through at the time. Six months ago, I jotted down this thought on Ezekiel 3:18-19:

“I will be held accountable on whether or not I’m faithful to do what God tells me to do. It doesn’t matter what the outcome is, or whether people listen to me. The results do not matter; my obedience does”.

Being obedient is hard. Sharing my faith is hard. Serving God is hard. So maybe that is why this verse struck me back then, and still strikes me now. 

Ezekiel 3:18-19: If I warn the wicked, saying, ‘You are under the penalty of death,’ but you fail to deliver the warning, they will die in their sins. And I will hold you responsible for their deaths. If you warn them and they refuse to repent and keep on sinning, they will die in their sins. But you will have saved yourself because you obeyed me.

Why I Run

I’ve been running for 5 years, during which time I have both loved it and endured it.  Running has brought the most pain I have ever experienced but, it has also been the most rewarding. There were times during a race where I’ve asked myself, “why am I doing this?”, but then I crossed the finish line exhilarated and thought about training for the next one. So, why do I do it?

I run so I can eat. I love pizza. I can eat it a couple times a week if my husband let me. I like frozen pizzas from Totino’s , Red Baron, and Jacks. I like to order it from Rosatis, Giordanos, and Pizza Hut. I also love chocolate, Dove chocolate to be specific. Bring me a bag of Dove Peanut Butter chocolate, and I’ll be your BFF.

I run because I never thought I could. I was never an athletic person but, running has improved my self-esteem and helped me find my inner athlete. Each run I strive to see what I can push my body to accomplish. There is hard work, pain, sweat, and time commitment. But the sense of accomplishment from crossing the finish line, or setting a new PR, or going a new distance, is indescribable. I never thought I was capable of running one mile, but this past winter, I finished 26.2 miles in a marathon.

I run to clear my head. I used to listen to my iPod while I ran; I needed the distraction and it helped the runs to go by faster. Somewhere along the way, this stopped. I listen to the sounds of nature, and it calms me. I think about what is going on in my life, and I pray. All the stressful emotions and crappy food I ate melt away as I sweat out all the junk.

I run because it teaches endurance. I have run far enough that my legs hurt, my feet got blisters, two of my toenails turned black, and I had to use body glide for the first time in my life. I pushed through the pain and reached points of exhaustion I didn’t know was possible. Suddenly your perspective changes and what used to be difficult, is not difficult anymore (I remember when running a 5k hurt my legs for days).   

I run because there were times I couldn’t. Over the last 2 years, I have experienced injury and illness that has kept me sidelined for months at a time. I missed running during these times and couldn’t wait to get back to it. I learned that I never wanted to take running for granted again. I am thankful to be running again, and I don’t care what my pace is, or how far I can go. I’m just grateful to God that I can run.

Trusting God

Mother’s Day is hard for me. All I want to do is stay home and avoid the world because there are too many reminders of what I don’t have: a child of my own. I rarely wish mothers a happy day for too often it’s been responded with “Thanks! You too.”  I’m convinced that is what it feels like to be hit by a bullet. For years I’ve struggled with doubting God and not believing He wanted what’s best for me; because if He knew my pain and saw my tears, he would give me what I want. 

During a study called Believing God by Beth Moore, a chapter came up about passing a spiritual legacy to our children, and I seriously thought about skipping it. I didn’t and she talked about childless woman having a responsibility to pass a spiritual legacy to any children in their lives. I read for the first time Isaiah 54:1:

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD.

Women who do not have children of their own will still be surrounded by children over who they can have influence. Children with childless aunts and uncles tend to have close relationships because of the special attention they receive. I have seen this in my own life. God has provided me with eight nieces and nephews, and two more on the way. I’m so thankful for them and each has been a blessing to me.

I’m reminded of my grandma who recently passed away. My sisters and I spent most weekends at grandma’s house and it wasn’t because we had to, we wanted to. I would stay up late with her watching TV while working on our latest project of needle point, cross stitch, or latch hook, and eating nachos with cheese. One year she helped me to make the Christmas presents I would give to my parents and sisters. Her legacy to me is one of love, generosity, and giving of her time. Since I may never be a grandma, my desire is to pass on that spirit to my nieces and nephews.

Over the years, with God’s help, this scar in my life has gotten easier. I know that for the rest of my life part of me will always be sad but, I’m learning to trust God again; that no matter how I feel, He is here with me and will help me through the difficult times. And during those sad times, I can take comfort in God’s words in Jeremiah 29:11:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

A Runner is Born

For over a year, I made exercise a regular part of my life and lost almost thirty pounds. I walked the treadmill and worked out to DVD’s. Now, I was looking for a new challenge. My husband had recently signed up to run a 5k with his high school buddies and asked if I wanted to try it too. I was not a runner. In fact, I hated to run. Hated it. The last time I ran was in high school 10 years prior and that was because they made me. Maybe this was the new challenge I was looking for; so I signed up for a race two months away.

Like the good planner I am, I researched training plans to get me ready and found the Couch Potato to 5k Training Plan. While I was not a couch potato, I liked how this plan started off with a combination of walking and running, and slowly worked up to running the whole 3 miles. My husband suggested I buy a good pair of running shoes and off I went. I followed this training plan to the letter and just like past running experience, I hated every minute of it. I got shin splints and pain in my ankles, knees, and calves. My chest hurt as I struggled to learn how to breathe. How could anyone enjoy this misery? I couldn’t wait for race day to be over at which point I’d be done with this crap and back to my workout DVD’s.

Race day was chilly, cloudy, and drizzling. I didn’t care about my finishing time; I just wanted to run the whole thing. I don’t remember much about that day except when I rounded the last corner and saw the finish line. Some woman I didn’t even know cheered me on. She told me I could do it. She told me to give it all I had. She told me I was almost done. She clapped and yelled woo hoo!  My husband was just ahead of me so I gave all that was in me to catch up to him. I crossed the finish line a few seconds behind him and felt like I wanted to throw up. I was hooked.

                I can’t describe the sense of accomplishment I felt after completing that race. Pushing through the struggles of nine weeks of training and finishing my first 5k while running the whole time, really increased my confidence. Almost five years later after countless 5ks, 10ks, one half marathon and one marathon, I’m still running. And I love it.